Man, Mini, Moose & Me: To Three, or not to Three.....

To Three, or not to Three, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler to be content with my two; or to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous newborns
Or to take in my arms a sea of children,
And although outnumbered, adore them. Oh my- to sleep -
No more. And by sleep I mean to say more than three hours.
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That a parent is heir to. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. Oh my-to sleep.
To sleep - perchance to dream; ay, there's the rub! *

Ay, there's the rub indeed.We are so blessed with two amazing children. Full of life, healthy and strong. Cuter than I thought possible. And we even have one of each gender. What more could I ask for? And truly, my heart is full and there are days where I pinch myself, and despite the hard moments, I'm living a part of Little Me's dream. A man I love and who inspires me, and who loves me in return, and two beautiful children. It ain't perfect, or always easy, but it is good. A lot of people say 'quit while you're ahead' - one girl, one boy, no middle child, no bigger car, no extra expense. And I hear them....but the heart isn't always so practical, and sometimes, I hope another Mini is on the cards....(and not just because I have a great name up my sleeve and am hoping for a surprise blondie, or surprise ranga).

When we were young and had all the answers, Man and I were definitely having two, possibly three kids. And after Mini Man, there was always going to be another, and Mini Me followed faster than we planned. When I broach the idea of a third mini with Man, he usually smiles, shakes his head and says, 'Not right now,' which I suspect is his way of letting me down easy, and sometimes, 'Babe, I just can't be this tired for another two years.'

And he's not wrong - we are tired - even though I maintain I am generally more tired, being the one who possesses the feeding apparatus required for newborns, and the one who 90% of the time is being called for in the wee hours. Despite our kids now mostly sleeping sensibly (sickness, toilet training and surprise WAKE-UP nights aside), the demands of two little people can be rather relentless. I find the physical demands of tiny people intense. Cute little people who need help putting on shoes, taking off shoes, finding shoes, getting clean, getting dressed, wiping bums, wiping noses, removing crayons off walls, getting frozen peas out of noses, getting thumbs out of coke bottles and everything else in between, including cleaning poo off curtains (I'll spare you the photo of the #surpriseturd** - it's a game Man and I played when Mini Man was toilet training #goodtimes). As they grow and develop, I am finding the emotional demands as intense. It's not always easy keeping your love on with two tantrums in full swing, no coffee yet and no time to even wake-up entirely. And working out how to best guide and parent two entirely different personalities keeps my heart on its toes.

Oh my heart, and my ovaries hurt at the thought this will never be repeated.

I am certain that when we are old and grey (ok older and greyer than I am already), when the Minis are grown up and gone, that we will wish we had more and not less. That alone makes me want to have more. Still, I have to actually birth, and we have to actually raise, house and support three kids. And what if we get twins? - it happens people. I struggled with my newborns, particularly with the transition to two... For me, the first 6 months at least, I lose myself a little - well that's what has happened the last two times, so statistically - I'm up for the same. It does make me stop, and wonder if I have what it takes to do it again. Will I break myself? Will I break 'Us'? I'd be lying if I said it has been smooth sailing navigating Man's extremely demanding job which means I am on my own kid-wrangling much of the time, two small kids and their needs, a part-time job, a dog with issues (for realz), housework, laundry, all the feels that come with life transitions - and attempting to maintain a sense of self, sense of humor and romance in an among all that. #nailing it #not. That said, nothing teaches like, well, Life. Ha. I have much changed and grown, and, importantly re-embraced caffeine.

But on the 'For' team - the newborn snuggles, the tiny hands and feet, little voices that say 'mama' and 'dada' for the first time. Chubby little arms around your neck, big smiles whenever they see your face. Getting to witness what it looks like to live with your heart wide open, unguarded and unafraid, your own heart so full of love, pride and hopes for the future, you might explode. In my book, ain't nothin' like it.

Mini Me is two already, Min Man is almost 4, and with their growing independence I'm starting to think beyond making it to lunch-time naps each day and considering possibilities for myself I haven't in awhile, and it is lovely. I've also considered that sooner, rather than later, is probably the way to go if Mini Three is to be... (although last time I checked Man wasn't on board, so this debate is clearly for academic and philosophical purposes. Maybe I feel like if I come to a decision, I can change his. Hahah. That's a whole other post). Do we think about it too much? It feels like my parents generation, didn't really think about it all that much, they just kind of had kids, as many as 'happened' and got on with it. And we all turned out fine...pretty much. :-)

Do I want a third just because, if two is enough, then it's truly goodbye to a part of my life I looked forward to for so long? Can my child-bearing years really be behind me? Surely I'm not that much of adult? On the other hand, my late-teen neighbor calling me 'That lady' says yes, yes you are Mom Jeans. Maybe I just can't accept that I'll never feel a tiny wee thing kick me from the inside again, to cuddle them in all their squishy, redness. To look into their eyes for the first time and bask in the wonder that is half me and half man, and 100% them, 100% magic. Then again if it is really over, I will never again cluster feed from 4pm till God knows when. I will never know the pain of cracked nipples, or stitches in awkward places again. Praise Jesus my nappy days are almost over...and 4 hour chunks of sleep are a thing of the past (mostly).

But, if it is really over.... *sniff*.......it went way too fast.