I don't know if I would use the word ambition....maybe I think of ambition in too literal, too linear way, but for me, I think I lose my usual pattern, my usual mind, my common sense...it sounds a bit dramatic and depressing to say I lose myself....but that is kind of how it feels for me...I lose myself, and I also find myself all at the same time.
In those early days of no sleep, endless feeding, raging hormones and raging toddlers, I feel like I disappear in haze of milk, poop, chores, and sleep (or broken sleep). Control freak me tries to claw some sense and structure into my hazy edged world..........but really, all that does is result in hazy half decisions that make me more stressed. Like the day I decided I had to do something productive and tried to tidy and order my grocery cupboard with a tiny baby and a two year old. Cue total chaos and frustration for the whole day. Husband returns to kitchen that appears to have exploded, frazzled wife and two kids delighted with the kitchen full of new "toys"...and already tired me staying up extra late to sort out my mess. LOL.
And it's not just new babies that can make one feel a bit lost. It's the same with any major transition. The ones where you stop and are like, um, that escalated fast - Where the hell I am? Who am I? This is not what I imagined. The ones where you feel Life pulled a fast one and you're a bit stunned - like when Dorothy Boyd and Jerry Maguire walk about the building with the fish (there's a fish right?)..and, uh, now what.
I think I found my feet faster with Mini Man that I did with Mini Me, maybe because its just maths. First time there was only 1 person to adapt to, this time I had 2. I was on an emotional, physical, mental, philosophical rollercoaster.........I was completely all over the shop and losing my mojo a bit.......to illustrate my point, see Exhibit A:
This past year since Mini Me came along I have:
- started and then failed to run or really do anything with an online store
- sworn I hate my job and will never return to it
- sworn I love my job and really want go back
- wanted to be a stay at home mum
- considered studying to change careers entirely
- considered a job in book store (still considering, because among books I am among friends, always)
- wanted to work
- not wanted to work
- loved being me
- hated being me
- lost weight
- gained weight
- sworn off a third child
- begged husband to have a third
I realise we are all up and down, but these were rather emphatic ups and downs. Poor Man.
I have come out the other side, and like I said, have found myself in a better place for having lost myself a bit. What's that saying about losing your life to find it? I don't mean now I've arrived and have my life and the Universe all sorted...I just mean, I'm back to normal, and feel like myself (albeit possibly not as toned as my former self).
I have come out the other side with some words of advice for future me, who may or may not (Man says not..and who can blame him after the year he has had) have a third little Mini, but who will, no doubt, face more adventures that leave you wondering what hell just happened and where did my confidence go?
Dear Future Me, (and all friends who find themselves feeling Foggy)
If you are reading this, you have found yourself feeling a bit unlike yourself, or you got two lines on a pregnancy test and you're feeling that post baby haze.....
You are stronger than you think, more loved than you think, and all round much more capable than you often feel. Also, you are likely not as fat or ugly as you think. Trust me.
So you feel a bit foggy ey? Feeling a bit lost?...... the sensible option is to relax. Yes, relax.
Resist the urge to control, and allow the fog to lift on its own. It will. One foot in front of the other, eventually the fog will lift and you will work out where you are, and where to go. Its like in foggy weather, or driving in a huge rain storm...your surroundings disappear and all you can see is the storm or fog around you. All the objects that were anchors, or landmarks, or signposts, or even company - aren't clear anymore, in fact some altogether disappear....but if you just wait, the fog lifts and its all clear again....And sometimes, it looks more beautiful than it did before. You missed the view and its good to have it back.
Trust the process, let it roll on and know, eventually, you'll feel like you again.
I know, I sound like a right hippy....If it helps I do have green smoothies for breakfast (on the days I don't eat chocolate first).....
Also, Future Me, if we do ever give birth again - write off every decision you think are sure of until little person is approaching first birthday. Also please tell Future Man (hopefully the same Man as now, just older) ...to smile, nod and discuss with me ...but despite my emphatic declarations, please do not hold me to my words..or my decisions.....
All the best old friend, we got this.
xo
PS: Is Justin Bieber still totally awesome? (I'm kidding I'm kidding, of course he is. Perfection is timeless)
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| Foggy or not, these little nuggets are edible |
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