Making sense of all the feels I feel

I wrote this post a few months back, while we were still renovating. But because I clearly watch too much TV, worry too much about laundry and because #life..I didn't post it....

Anyway, as I always say, better late than never...(I actually do always say that..I mean really...when is that not true..When is never, better than late? - obviously excluding terrible things like disease.) But I digress...as usual...Herewith - my post.

This week I inadvertently took a drive down memory lane when I drove across my city to visit my friend. We live on opposite ends of our sprawling Brissie and aside from getting a much needed dose of her, I got a much needed dose of perspective. I packed the minis in the car with a few road snacks (I was never going to let the kids eat in the car. Oh that’s a whole other post –the kind of parent I would ‘never be’….oh how the mighty have fallen.) Where was I? Road snacks, right. Yes, I packed the minis in the car with some road ‘thnacks’ as Mini Man calls them, cranked the tunes, at his request, and off we went.

We left from our home, which would seem obvious, except that at the moment, we are doing some renovations that require some serious structural alterations, which means we’ve had to move out. We were just visiting to see the progress. You see, for the purposes of this story, it’s important that we left from here because I think my house mirrors my little head and heart at the moment. Some areas seem a bit undone and look a bit worse for wear..some of the structures and supports have been removed…..and I feel out of sorts and not in a nice way. I just feel like, given my answers, someone has changed the questions. Probably. I most likely fell asleep or was wiping yoghurt off something when they announced the new questions….that said, I am excited and entirely sure that end of result is something I am going to like (my house and me).

Perhaps it was the music that was so loud it ruled out conversation, or perhaps they have inherited my pensive gene (or my eating gene) – but the minis happily bounced their feet to some tunes, ate their ‘thnacks’ and allowed me to get lost in my thoughts. I realised as I drove the twisty roads of our city that I was driving through my story – and that right now, as odd as I feel some days, is just a chapter. It’s not the whole story.

After our home, I drove through the part of town I grew up in. Well, my teenage years since we emigrated here when I was in Year 9. When we arrived I felt so foreign, so strange, so lonely, friendless, without my extended family – and I never thought it would feel like home. Now, I can barely go anywhere without running into someone I know, my babies have great-grandparents in the same city, I feel Aussie in my veins, I cry during the national anthem and the QANTAS song, and have a city, my city, that tells my story. That first Aussie chapter, albeit it a very difficult one for me, was just the beginning of what has so far, been a beautiful story.

Then I drove past the house our friends E and J lived in when we first met them. They moved a lot in the few years we lived in the same city – but I remember that first roast dinner at that house. We just been married and lived in what could best be described as a slightly large garden shed, fondly dubbed our ‘Shed-hole’. They had just moved from inter-state and had a wee little baby with the best head of hair I have seen to date. We loved them from the first time we met them. Over the next two/three years, we spent so much time at their house eating and sitting around till all hours, talking talking talking. We always felt so welcome, and like we belonged – and despite them having 1 and then 2 little kids (now 4)- they always had time for us. In hindsight, now that I have kids, I wonder how I can be more like them – and how they didn’t kill us or tell us to just leave. In the last few years there have been moments of loneliness and isolation - as life changes for us and others, have brought changes in relationship dynamics which has left my little world shifted and me wondering, for awhile, if I am the only one feeling a bit left out. Anyway, driving past I thought fondly of our good times and remembered feeling entirely the opposite of how I have sometimes felt more recently. It’s just a chapter, it’s not the end of the story.

The chapter where Man had Justin Bieber hair and I had skinny arms

Next down memory lane was the childhood house of the first man-boy-child who made me feel like the only girl at the party. He was handsome, and manly and fun and kind - and the first boy who didn’t just want to be my friend and date my hotter friends (hellloooo highschool). He made me feel beautiful and interesting and gave me confidence I was lacking. And I really fancied him too. To my shame, in my immaturity - I handled it badly and hurt him – but I will forever remember feeling so young and excited and noticed. There have been moments since becoming a mother where I have felt invisible, in so many ways. If by some chance it’s not the enormous eye bags, unkempt hair, no make-up, slightly frazzled expression and fat clothes – a stroller is enough to render you invisible to people who once paid attention to you (except other mum’s – they notice, and mostly smile. Bless you). They only notice when one of your offspring is being vile. Seriously I have had people who used to talk to me at social things, not bother anymore and as far as I am aware, the only thing that has changed is the fact that I have reproduced. Anyway, driving past I remembered fondly a time when I felt like I was the only person noticed. In that chapter (and the one where I fell in with Man) I was the only girl in the room.

Then I drove past a part of town I avoided for years. I had friendship break-up that broke me a little. It’s taken years and years to process because the shock was so great initially that I almost glazed over and pretended it wasn’t happening. I felt sick constantly. Then I snot-cried, I raged, I wrote letters and sent gifts, I did all I could to make it right. It didn’t work. I still avoid a certain dessert because my friend loved it and made it with such passion my eyes fill with tears if I eat it. I know I know. I’ve come to accept that chapter is finished, perhaps for good. But a part of my heart hopes, there’s another one coming, later in the book, where that storyline has a better ending.

Finally I arrived at my friend’s house – and even stopping in her driveway reminded me how so often the discomfort is only the beginning, or part of the story – not the end. When we first met, it was uncomfortable. We met through Man, and both were very fond of him. We’ve not actually spoken about it, lol – but I think we were each a little unsure of the other and their intentions. We need not have worried. It was pretty clear straight up that she was awesome and I understood why Man thought the world of her…not sure what she thought of me, but to her credit she was kind and accepting straight up and I suppose, I stole his bestie. She’s mine now. But gosh, was I intimidated by the thought of her in those early days – and now – she’s like a cup of tea and a bikkie, just the thing to make it all better and make the world seem normal again.

So, I’m going to try and remember, when I feel out of sorts, or lost, or like everything is shifting – that it’s just a chapter. I love love love reading, so will apply the book chapters principles to my own life. Keep reading, don’t try skip bits, shed some tears if you must, laugh out loud and push on. See how it all works out. It’s ok if it doesn’t make sense yet, or it seems a bit weird, or even if I hate it. It’s just a chapter. I’m still figuring out a way to skip to the good bits, or if I can read the last page first and figure out how it all ends (spoiler: At some point I pass away obviously…but you know, maybe I’m famous or taller, or finally skinny – or the best geriatric Irish Dancer you tube has ever scene).

If life is feeling prickly, or disappointing or straight up unbearable - I will try and remind myself it's just a chapter. Even if it seems a never ending one. And if I carry on, try enjoy the journey, be a bit more sympathetic to the main character and trust the story, it will all resolve in the end…………or it’s not the end.

(and once it is the end, it could turn out to be an 3 book epic, that becomes 6 block buster films in which I am played by the love child of Ryan Gosling and Grace Kelly).

The end of the chapter as just two. Days before we found out there were really 3 people in this picture.