Breaking up with perfectionism

I used to write excessively long lists of New Year's resolutions, 99.99% of which faded into oblivion and the ones that did get ticked off, were just good luck or coincidence. I found an old diary the other day (yes I was a 'dear diary' teenager) and laughed and cringed at my 15 year old resolutions. I'm actually too embarrassed to post them, and that's saying something considering I've discussed gastro on this blog. Lucky Mini Me already appears to be quite different to me. I digress (as usual). Anyway, my lists of unfulfilled resolutions have got me simplifying things. I've given up on the long lists and decided to give myself one thing to work towards.

This year, I am breaking up with perfectionism. The bastard. I plan, one day at a time, to be less and less of the horrible perfectionist I am. I used to think that perfectionism and I were good together, but like most bad relationships, it slowly dawned on me that it is not the case. At first I felt that bit more secure with perfectionism by my side, a bit safer, a bit more acceptable. It was worth the occasional put down, back handed compliment, and that feeling that perhaps, I was just not cutting the mustard. Then one day it quietly settled in my heart - this is not working for me anymore. It's been a slow revelation for me (as usual, I can be a little dense sometimes). Mostly my Mini's and the change of pace they require has opened my eyes. Perfectionism causes me to place unrealistic expectations on myself and others, and to feel like nothing is ever quite good enough. What a freaking kill-joy. My poor heart will die a slow and painful death if I don't quit my perfectionist ways.

I'm a big fan of Brene Brown who says, 'Many people think of perfectionism as striving to be your best, but its not about self-improvement; it's about earning approval and acceptance.'

'Why, when we know that there's no such thing as perfect, do most of us spend an incredible amount of time and energy trying to be everything to everyone? Is it that we really admire perfection? No - the truth is that we are actually drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth. We love authenticity and we know that life is messy and imperfect.'

I'm gonna have to start small. Since being a perfectionist is pretty much second nature for me (and I can be dense, see above), it's not always immediately obvious that I'm back to my old ways. There are a few here and there that have become obvious - so here they are. I feel like it's a bit of a confession. Hello, my name is Camilla, and I am a perfectionist.

I will not quit my blog because I don't post as often as I 'should'*...

Apparently if you want to grow your blog you should write often and write well. Well, often I don't post because I don't think it's well, good enough or often enough.......so I wait until it is, so I don't post often, so it's not good enough, so I should not bother, because its not perfect. Genius. Not. I love writing, its therapy for me. It's not about it being perfect, or the best blog in the world....(well second best because the one devoted to Justin Bieber's Hair is the best, or maybe the 'Mugs of Pugs' one is the best).....but I digress. It's not about it being perfect, it's about doing what I love.

I will not quit my health and fitness aspirations because I have failed 100 times before...

I have had a bit of a love/hate relationship, (mostly hate) with my body until recently, and now it's more love. Aaaaaaw. But I still would like to be fitter and healthier, and honestly I could write a very sad essay about the lists of diets and plans I have started only to end in tears. So if I can't be perfect at getting healthy, why bother at all? Just give up. Again. Genius. Not. As my very wise brother said, 'just make one good decision everyday, and eventually, you'll get there.' It's not about being perfect, it's about not giving up.

I will not put pressure on my kids to be perfect...

Parenting is a scary thing for a perfectionist. When Mini Man was born I was afraid to be around some people for fear of their judgements about my parenting, or Mini's potential behaviour, and believe it or not, the comments I got about me letting his hair be long. I feel sad when I think about that and I'm proud to say I've come a very long way. These days, I really don't care so much anymore. I feel a lot more confident - especially about his hair, because I don't care what you say, bowl cuts are IN. But I still have to catch myself when dealing with the kiddos, especially in public, and remind myself - this not about looking perfect to other people, this is about dealing with my Mini's in a way that best teaches and loves them. And it's really hard to always get that right - and very often I don't. But it's ok. It's not about being perfect - it's about being the best mum I can be (and I console myself that they can get therapy when they are grown ups).

I will not hide my shameless love of terrible pop music and boy bands.....

Well, maybe I will a little by not going into sordid details - I'll just leave that to you to imagine the depths of my terrible taste. I feel like I'm surrounded by musical hipster cool people, and having ABBA and more than one boy band in my library has at times made me feel like I should pretend I don't like them. But I do. Oh I do. And that's ok too. Musical taste is not a test people. It's not about being perfect, it's about being true to being you. Even if you do like *ahem* One Direction.

If you've read my post about staring at teenage boys, you'll know this was a beautiful moment for me.